“I write this now as my personal life is in turmoil, as what I have prayed and toiled for the most is collapsing, and my annoying optimism has run out…”
Guiding Question: Has your personal life ever suffered because of your professional life? Please comment below to share.
I can be a know-it-all, I interject when I shouldn’t, offer advice that wasn’t asked for. It’s an occupational habit really. I started teaching at 21 and at that tender age was thrust in a position of authority, in a position where other people looked up to me, sought my counsel, took my word as bond.
I took to it easily, maybe too easily. I developed an inflated self-importance, thought I could do more than I can. We call it the savior-complex, but I don’t know if that term captures the danger. See, when we see ourselves as saviors, we don’t depend enough on the real Savior and we meddle with things that aren’t ours to touch.
I write this now as my personal life is in turmoil, as what I have prayed and toiled for the most is collapsing, and my annoying optimism has run out. Well, it hasn’t run all of the way out. I’m still hopeful because I can see my own mistakes. I see when I stepped in to guide when I shouldn’t have. When I shouldered burdens that were not mine, when I tried to speed up a process that maybe shouldn’t be. Some things just can’t be taught, only learned, and that’s only possible when we do our own work.
But I didn’t know that until just now. I wrote blogs, and I posed for some very pretty pictures, and I Periscoped about marriage as if I knew what the fuck I was talking about. I didn’t front though. I talked about the fight, about the sacrifice, about the faith it required. But really I should have been listening. Because people hear what they want. Some folks have accused me of pretending to be perfect and I really know it’s their peripheral perspective that made them paint me as such and then resent me when I couldn’t stay on that pedestal. And others were waiting for me to fall. Others will receive this news with glee and I have to gird my heart to handle that with class.
But not before I swing my own ax, chop down my own ego, hack away false expectations. Because it does hurt and there’s a certain shame and there’s a certain humbling to have to say that I failed. But…your girl is never a failure and all things work for the good of those who love the Lord and I do truly love Him. My marriage or lack thereof does not define my relationship with the King nor does it negate the authenticity of everything I believe.
And I am learning that I have so much to learn. I’m still writing, the #ALWAYSWANTMORE movement is still progressing forward, and there are quiet ugly moments with just me. I bury myself in work, but am not able to bury the pain, and that’s okay. Concrete Rose Publications is named for the Tupac poem, “The Rose that Grew from Concrete” and I know first-hand the amazing beauty that is wrought from the deepest of hurt. It’s amazing that I spill my life in ink–the good, the bad, and the ugly; but that’s not enough for some. They want blood. Maybe I smile too big. Maybe my scars heal too fast, flowers bloom in the place of keloids and so they dig their knives deeper. And I keep on bleeding out prose. They can never take my pen, stop my voice, or dim my light. Nobody can have my me. Nobody. Like Tupac, “this is the realest shit I ever wrote.” It’s my confession, my atonement, my shredding of masks, shedding of old skin. This is me shaking the hate off, the fear, and putting on the cloak of love. Love–the strongest weapon of them all and the shield of faith quenches all the fiery darts of the wicked one. So even now in this dark hour I still have joy. I write my own story and I share it freely because secrets are a currency that I just can’t afford. Some great art will come from this, some milestones will be reached, and maybe we’ll work it out, maybe we can’t. But I know for sure that I’ll have love again, the kind that can last. And next time, I’ll know when to not teach.
P.S. The whole teacher/savior complex plays out beautifully in Always Want More. Do you have your copy yet? Hit the media tab and then follow the link to banketheauthor.com I promise, you won’t be disappointed.